sticks & stones may break my bones..

& words can break a heart.

it's been a long, long time since i've posted anything on our blog.  i've been in a bit of a "drut," i'd say-  depression mixed with being in a rut.   my intentions with the blog have been to document our lives, the good & the bad, so the kiddos can look back someday & "remember the good ole days."
i would post some random pics of our family, just to keep a bit up to date.  & then i quit even doing that.  but i have really been letting life fly by & not living each day to the fullest.  (how ironic i write this now as i have been a bum all week dealing with kidney stones)  so now it's time to blog again; as benj & miss g sure haven't slowed down on their shenanigans or just enjoying life's little joys.  in fact, every day they amaze me more & more at their love for their God & our world & others.  what a difference they are making already in this world of ours!


well, back to my "drut" -it's time to get over the hurtful words & start living life & let it go to God.  i kept telling myself i was over all the drama, but it continued to weigh heavily on my heart.  what i & my family were doing for papaw was out of love for him.  he was, is & has always been my concern - as i and my family his. he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day & i held his hand all night when mamaw died.  he's my papaw. i am grateful for the times we have been able to be there for him & he for us.  i likely will never understand some extended family members' intentions & stories that they had told to pap, but in the end the truth will come out & that is what matters.   i pray my kiddos remember the sundays after church going up to pap's to eat & "help out" & play, the sacrifices they made (even at an early age) to help take pap to his treatments & care for him, working in the garden & the great love pap has for them and they for him.  

through the past several years, many times i could only imagine what my mamaw is thinking looking down on our extended family right now.  mamaw, i hope i am making you proud.  i love you & miss you.  you helped keep everyone on the right track & things got so derailed since you went to a better place. i know God has a master plan, but man, right now it is so confusing!

papaw's hat

we took papaw to get a haircut friday while benj was in school.  i ended up taking him to a beauty shop, which he was less than thrilled with but tough.
miss gracie was trying out his hat for size. & i, of course thought she was the cutest thang.

go phillies!!

another day, another hospital visit

we went to visit papaw in the hospital today.  we've been trying to be there everyday, even though it's over an hour one way.  he needs our company & asssurance everything's gonna be alll right.  his spirits have been high through all that has happened.  praise god for that! 
ben told daddy & me the other night he wanted to see pap every day so he could tell him "that i love him & that he's getting better everyday."  ben is always high on the praise for pap, saying "great job papaw!" & things like that to him.  gracie will always give him a kiss on the hand or somewhere.

the kiddos have fun in that little hospital room!

they are very good about sharing stories & making pap laugh.

tonight they both gave him hugs goodnight.

& i did too. 

we are trying to plan what we will do when he is released from the rehab portion of the hospital.  do we move in with him & care for him?  for how long?  the summer or years?  will he have the patience for our kiddos & our so sweet doggy?  do we sale our home & just really move in with him?  how will we handle school if we stay there for longer than the summer.  how do we handle the hospital er that was obivously negligent last tuesday night?  why did they send him home after his tia even though his blood pressure was 200 something over 100 something?  what were they thinking?? if he had been admitted for observation that night would this major stroke have been lessened? i sure do think so.   so many questions.  so much worry.  i am having a hard time giving my worries to god.   all these thoughts are running through my head.  he had told me time & again (even before this happened) he DID NOT want to go to a nursing home.  i want to be able to respect his wishes.  when the time comes, we'll see what he wants & what we can do.  i know it's in god's hands & it will be ok.  i'm just so ready for that being ok part to be here. 

a hand to hold on to

being a small town hoosier gal, i love me some john mellancamp.  one of my many favorite songs of his has always been "hand to hold on to". 

some of the lyrics here from good ole johnny couger:
And then those hours when you're alone

And there's no body there except yourself
I know it, you wanna pick up the phone
And say, "Talk to me, talk to me
Somebody please talk to me"

Every one needs a hand to hold on to

Every one needs a hand to hold on to
Don't need to be no strong hand
Don't need to be no rich hand
Every one just needs a hand to hold on to



anyways, i've always been a hand holder.  with my hubby, my kiddos (who are always trying to wriggle free), my papaw (the entire night after mamaw passed away).  it just provides comfort to me & hopefully the other person too. 

today at the hospital, taking a break from coloring (yes, i know she's laying down on a germy hospital floor) she came up & asked me what i was doing sitting next to papaw while he was sleeping.  "just holding his hand," i replied.
"why you doing dat?"
"i just like to."

so, she wanted to. 

she touched it & then started to ask what every spot on that old hand was on there for, trying to pick them off.

those hands have years & years of hard work, my dear.

& then ben wanted to touch pap's hand.

so gentle.  just a light pat.



the kiddos have been so good at the hospital, helpful & cheerful.  i've tried to explain to the kiddos how papaw's strokes have made his body forget how to work some & he has to learn it all over again & we need to help him. 

they helped with some of his exercises, hitting a balloon back & forth.

when pap raised his left arm to show justin, ben cheered, "that's a great job papaw!"  & he meant it. 

last night, gracie helped me wash papaw's feet.  she did a fine job.

tonight when they left with daddy, pap asked for another pillow.  ben rushed to get him one & insisted on placing it behind pap's head. 

they both gave papaw hugs & kisses bye & ben told him, "you get better real fast papaw!  i love you!"

in my head, i've been worrying about a lot of things. figuring out how to not disrupt their lives too much & fill it with the hospital but yet teach them how important it is to be there & take care others.  wonderful friends & family have & are getting their share of ben & gracie time so they get some kid play time (thank you all for that!).   but as i write this i realize they are "getting it."  getting how important it is to take care of those we love so & appreciating the friends they get to play with while momma's doing her shift with pap. & getting it that in god's hands, it will be ok. 

& papaw seems determined to get better.  he's frustrated as hell that he can't pick up the utensils with his left hand (he's a leftie), but  he is working at it.  if he was awake, he was working out his arm, moving it to different positions with our help & stuff.  he's got to be ready to chop down more trees!

sunday

we had a typical sunday around here. we are looking for a new church to call home. we've finally decided to make that move from where i grew up to a new place to grow. we tried out one of the larger churches in town. a new friend of mine i met last weekend invited us to worship with her. the sermon really spoke to us both & the kiddos loved their sunday school classes. but, this church is huge! much bigger than we are used to.. i am excited to check out some other nearby places.


after that, we went to papaw's for lunch & playing & playing & work.

gracie made a beeline for her favorite thing at papaw's. big suprise.

ben, of course, wanted to ride on it right away too. but he was patient & waited his turn. it looks like it was well worth it.




gracie can't seem to get that trike to move.


her feet almost reach the pedals.


she's got a great big brother to help her out though.




papaw has the perfect yard for hide & seek.

there he is!




the kiddos always have a blast at papaw's playing outside. i loved it growing up & so do they.


just a swinging.



time for rest.

walnuts

we spent last sunday at papaw's cracking walnuts & picking them out of their shell. we all had a turn sitting on the bucket, cracking the shells on the anvil.


miss gracie was quite the little walnut picker outer with her little screwdriver.

quite a bit of work, but we all had fun sitting around, working & talking.

all pap could talk about was walnut cookies & how delicious they are. so, me being the great granddaughter i am said we would.
monday (the next day) when we went to chemo, he asked if i made them yet. no.


finally, thursday night me & the kiddos went to work. i used this recipe here. pap advised the walnuts were a bit green, so i should cook them first. i microwaved them a bit to do the job.

into the oven they went & i couldn't wait to taste our results.... the flavor was wonderful but they were crunchy- not just a little, but break your tooth kinda crunchy. we took them up to pap's anyways with a warning to be careful.


yesterday, i noticed the big bag of cookies still sitting there. i asked him what was up with that. he told me i left the shells on. apparently, there are are supposed to pick shells out of the already shelled walnuts. waay to much work for me. i will stick with the cookies in the tube for now.

come on guys!

let's get it together & win the world series for papaw!


he has his sign out & everything. my grandma handmade this sign for him in '93 & suprised him with it in the yard when he got home from work. he is still so proud of it. i've had the honor of adding some of the years on the sign. i'm pretty high up on his list :).

looking fine at 79!

papaw turned 79 today! happy birthday!!

what a year he's had! it's been up & down, but he's been fighting a good fight. i'm proud of him. i've learned a lot from him over the years, especially this past one. he never complained about how he was feeling or the chemo or the surgery, just did it. he taught me a lot about inner strength & how i need to toughen up a bit.

what did papaw want for his birthday?? a snuggie, of course.



i told him we'd save his candles for his 97th birthday. he chuckled.




after cake & ice cream, we sat outside in the pouring rain & watched the kiddos play in their sunday best. pretty good entertainment those kids are.



i think papaw had a good birthday with us. i'm glad we got to share it with him. i love my pap.

supper at selvin & a papaw update

this evening, the kiddos & i drove up to eat dinner with papaw. we went & ate at the selvin country store. a little bitty town in the middle of nowhere with some super yummy cheeseburgers and some good people. papaw likes to go here for breakfast & dinner i think.
well, here's papaw a few months after his surgery....on his right hand side was where the huge tumor used to be, no more. looks great now i think. he's still doing chemo once a week, but he is going strong. he's a tough old cookie but a big softie for his little great grandaughter.



gracie lounging on the loafers bench in the store. it has all the regulars' names carved in on it. it's like a family that come to the store. when pap was really sick, some from the hangout would come & check on him. good folks.

hope all are having a great week!

fourth of july fun

fourth of july was full of family fun at uncle rocky and aunt jane's! ben & gracie had a blast running around playing with their cousins and friends.

i spent most of the day at the hospital with papaw. he had been in there for an infection where he had surgery. very yucky. a couple of rounds of antibiotics did the trick & he was ready to go home. i don't know the nurse he had the last day, but you were awesome, thank you!! once i got him back home to aunt peggy, i joined the crew at rocky & jane's.

the kids were having fun playing in the sandbox.
all the older folks recognized gracie's dress as a pillowcase they once owned. kinda funny.


beevis, i mean ben, didn't like his hair getting wet too much.


the grandpas were taking it easy, enjoying the festivities in the rocking chairs.


the fireworks were a bit too loud for beano.

pap's new look

here he is with no tubes in & bandage off! i won't show the side, it's a bit gross yet. but he is doing awesome. praise god!

a tough cookie

he's gonna teach my kiddos to be a tough cookie, just like him (this is him day 1 after his surgery!) he went home today on day 4 (he was expected to stay 10 days!!)
we are proud of you papaw for your recovery; you are an inspiration to me. keep on chugging!

hanging out at norton

we spent a lot of time at norton hospital on saturday. i'm so thankful pap's surgery was then. the waiting room was pretty much empty except for us, which was nice. nobody had to make special work arrangements, which was good for the working.

saturday was quite a day, but we made the best of what we thought would be 9 stress filled hours during pap's surgery at norton.
lots of naps were attempted

lots of coffee
lots of good conversation,
lots of talking on the phone.




surprisingly lots of laughter. i think that's what gets us through.
after word that the tumor was removed, us rotten grandkids went and ate some good food down on 4th street with a good drink too.



these pictures make the day look like we were having a blast, but it was actually pretty stressful. i'm so thankful that it turned out the way it did. Thank you everyone for your thoughts & prayers.
the doctor finished up the surgery in great time & did a wonderful job on our pap.