another day, another hospital visit

we went to visit papaw in the hospital today.  we've been trying to be there everyday, even though it's over an hour one way.  he needs our company & asssurance everything's gonna be alll right.  his spirits have been high through all that has happened.  praise god for that! 
ben told daddy & me the other night he wanted to see pap every day so he could tell him "that i love him & that he's getting better everyday."  ben is always high on the praise for pap, saying "great job papaw!" & things like that to him.  gracie will always give him a kiss on the hand or somewhere.

the kiddos have fun in that little hospital room!

they are very good about sharing stories & making pap laugh.

tonight they both gave him hugs goodnight.

& i did too. 

we are trying to plan what we will do when he is released from the rehab portion of the hospital.  do we move in with him & care for him?  for how long?  the summer or years?  will he have the patience for our kiddos & our so sweet doggy?  do we sale our home & just really move in with him?  how will we handle school if we stay there for longer than the summer.  how do we handle the hospital er that was obivously negligent last tuesday night?  why did they send him home after his tia even though his blood pressure was 200 something over 100 something?  what were they thinking?? if he had been admitted for observation that night would this major stroke have been lessened? i sure do think so.   so many questions.  so much worry.  i am having a hard time giving my worries to god.   all these thoughts are running through my head.  he had told me time & again (even before this happened) he DID NOT want to go to a nursing home.  i want to be able to respect his wishes.  when the time comes, we'll see what he wants & what we can do.  i know it's in god's hands & it will be ok.  i'm just so ready for that being ok part to be here. 

a hand to hold on to

being a small town hoosier gal, i love me some john mellancamp.  one of my many favorite songs of his has always been "hand to hold on to". 

some of the lyrics here from good ole johnny couger:
And then those hours when you're alone

And there's no body there except yourself
I know it, you wanna pick up the phone
And say, "Talk to me, talk to me
Somebody please talk to me"

Every one needs a hand to hold on to

Every one needs a hand to hold on to
Don't need to be no strong hand
Don't need to be no rich hand
Every one just needs a hand to hold on to



anyways, i've always been a hand holder.  with my hubby, my kiddos (who are always trying to wriggle free), my papaw (the entire night after mamaw passed away).  it just provides comfort to me & hopefully the other person too. 

today at the hospital, taking a break from coloring (yes, i know she's laying down on a germy hospital floor) she came up & asked me what i was doing sitting next to papaw while he was sleeping.  "just holding his hand," i replied.
"why you doing dat?"
"i just like to."

so, she wanted to. 

she touched it & then started to ask what every spot on that old hand was on there for, trying to pick them off.

those hands have years & years of hard work, my dear.

& then ben wanted to touch pap's hand.

so gentle.  just a light pat.



the kiddos have been so good at the hospital, helpful & cheerful.  i've tried to explain to the kiddos how papaw's strokes have made his body forget how to work some & he has to learn it all over again & we need to help him. 

they helped with some of his exercises, hitting a balloon back & forth.

when pap raised his left arm to show justin, ben cheered, "that's a great job papaw!"  & he meant it. 

last night, gracie helped me wash papaw's feet.  she did a fine job.

tonight when they left with daddy, pap asked for another pillow.  ben rushed to get him one & insisted on placing it behind pap's head. 

they both gave papaw hugs & kisses bye & ben told him, "you get better real fast papaw!  i love you!"

in my head, i've been worrying about a lot of things. figuring out how to not disrupt their lives too much & fill it with the hospital but yet teach them how important it is to be there & take care others.  wonderful friends & family have & are getting their share of ben & gracie time so they get some kid play time (thank you all for that!).   but as i write this i realize they are "getting it."  getting how important it is to take care of those we love so & appreciating the friends they get to play with while momma's doing her shift with pap. & getting it that in god's hands, it will be ok. 

& papaw seems determined to get better.  he's frustrated as hell that he can't pick up the utensils with his left hand (he's a leftie), but  he is working at it.  if he was awake, he was working out his arm, moving it to different positions with our help & stuff.  he's got to be ready to chop down more trees!