eight years ago..

becoming 7

eight years ago today, my life changed more than i could ever imagine.  life was no longer about me,but about "him,"  that precious bundle of joy that was born while momma was pushing during the andy griffith show (the doc turned it off right when it was getting good too).  since benjo's birth, he has brought me more happiness, joy, love, tears, compassion, worry,fear, panic, pride, heartbreak, and empathy than i could ever imagine.  so many emotions this little fella brings out in me!  though i may be the momma & he my little man, he has taught me more in these eight years than i could have ever imagined.

this, benjo came down and said,"momma, why are you doing all of this?  we just need to pray."  & pray we did (while i still moved things around). he is so good at reminding me to pray -- when things aren't going just right, pray when things are good, just pray,  i am so thankful that he has such a strong faith and thankful for all those that help him to grow in his spiritual journey..starting back with grandma deedee and papaw paul, the "gurls" and their parents, our preacher and family, our life group friends and kiddos, and those that take the time to show benj & grace how they are both special and our Lord has special jobs just for them to do.  we, as a family, continue to grow spiritually and i am so thankful for all the blessings we have received. benj helped me to grow and realize life wasn't just about "me" or "him" but "He, our Savior and King," and we should do all things to glorify him.
i was so worried about bringing this little guy home.. daddio had changed him & washed him & changed his clothes the entire time we were in the hospital.  all i did was nurse.. the only thing i felt capable of doing.  before we went home, i was coaxed into changing him.  pee shot into his face, he started crying & spit up all over the place. it was a mess!  & his billi levels were super high, so he was sent home on a light blanket.  we would go daily after his dismissal from the hospital to have his levels checked.  by new year's, he was looking less tan and the blanket was gone.  he was extra special - he had both physiological and breast milk jaundice. being a new mom that had read every "what to expect, " "your pregnancy and newborn," and "pregnancy 411", i wasn't ready for this one.  going through that month seemed like forever, but was just a small moment in time.


i was so scared when we brought benj home!  i was worried how our doggie would react.  but zacky did great with him from the get go.  when we brought him home- i made a plan with daddio that i would stay awake the first night & he would do an upcoming night to make sure benj kept breathing.  i think it was daddio's turn on the 3rd night.  i woke up to benj crying, justin patting my leg, telling me "it's ok, buddy."  daddy was fired from that job.  and i eventually slept thanks to deedee, mom, and namaw.  when daddio went back to work- i would say a prayer to God, thanking him for helping me keep this precious child alive and happy for another day while daddio was at work.

he has taught me a great deal on forgiveness.  an issue in the family happened one summer that caused a lot of heartache & things were said in front of him that should never had been said.  he was very angry at that person for saying things to his momma, but we talked about it & his actions towards those  showed true forgiveness.

i never in my life would have thought bodily functions would be so hilarious until he came.  toots are a plenty in our household,  as well as big belly laughs & sometimes leading momma to gag.

daddio and i took our vows in front of the Lord, our families and friends... but i learned more about love - agape-  after benjo was born.  it breaks my heart when he has a bad day, it makes my heart smile to see him excited about something, i get that nervous pit in my stomach before he performs a comedy skit with friends..no matter what, i will always love my benjo.

he has a heart pure as gold, though he likes to talk sweet little sis into doing things he knows he shouldn't sometimes,  but he will be right beside her in trouble for whatever it was.  he loves to teach her new things and do fun things with his sis, though sometimes he may not want to admit it.:)

he is a sensitive soul & cares for his classmates and tries to help everyone to get along.  at the beginning of  2nd grade, he had written on his about him page that "he liked to be bullied."  this concerned me (a.k.a. made me cry), so i asked him... he said he didn't want others to be bullied & he could take it, so that's why he wrote it. we discussed this & that bullying is not ok - how i thought it was very kind what he felt, i didn't want others picking away at his happiness.  i think he got it.  in our conference, his teacher this year was in tears, telling me what a great child he was and how much she loved having him.  it's nice to hear they are doing the right thing when you aren't around. :)

there have been times, too many times, where i haven't felt good.  benj is the first one there with a bucket, my favorite pillow, a washcloth, a heating pad and anything else he can think of i might need.  when there have been times in life (deedee's passing, papaw's health and issues) that i have been really sad, he is first there to hug me, pray, and tell me it will all be ok.

i have so much joy just watching him be a kid and having fun... be it playing with his sister, his friends, me & daddio, or family, playing sports and games, laser tag or our dance offs.  he is a fun guy!

& he is a deep thinker... sometimes i have to tell him"i don't know why.." more often than i want & we search together for the answer.

mr. benjo, i am so thankful for being blessed with you as my son the past 8 years & look forward to learning, loving and exploring more as you grow (just try to slow it down a bit!:)) benj, i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be.


love, momma

prayers for little ones, mommas & daddys & safe travels!!

so much exciting news was abound yesterday! please pray for our friends traveling to get to hold their precious son, kad for the first time.  .

my other momma's day gifts

like most kiddos, mine loove rocks. they can play for hours looking for "just the right one." i was given a handful of these treasures from them.  this one was just extra special that benj gave it to me that he found in the creek at namaw & poppy's.

 (see the heart on it?) beautiful.



daddio's birthday - part 2 & 3

yes, i am very behind on our blog.  my man keeps getting older by the day!  he is now a whopping 33!!  we celebrated at namaw & poppy's with some yummy food & play.

i'm not quite sure about their nose jobs..

the 3 generations of men.  & what handsome men they are!

at home, the kiddos painted him some little houses to use as piggy banks to save up for our future house.

hunny, i hope you had a happy birthday &amp happy everyday; love you sooo much!

happy birthday to youuuu,

my favorite man in the whole wide world!!! i love you my sugar bear!

what a cutie you were at 3 & still are.  (picture courtesy of namaw & poppy's bday card to ya)

thank you for sharing the past 10 years with me. you are my best friend and i love you forever & ever & ever!!

41 years!!!!

since i know i won't be able to post this on the exact day, i wanted to wish a very happy anniversary to namaw & poppy.  41 years of love.  you have & are teaching us so much about marriage, respect, love and patience.  i love when we come up to your home & still see you each kiss one another good night & how your true love for one another just shines through. 

Happy anniversary, my in-laws!  we love ya!

p.s. i do have an apology to make a year late -i was hoping to plan something special for your 40th anniversary (had been thinking about it for years earlier), but as you know it didn't get done.  so your 50th, we are having a blowout!

nightmares of boyfriends past & my gentle giant

i woke up this morning, sweating from terrible dreams of a past boyfriend but they were replaced with my dear hubby. i of course, couldn't go back to sleep & it made me think of all the relationships that have gotten me to this point of being with my sugar bear.  now, our marriage isn't perfect, but it's close enough for me.    i thank god for him & his gentle, loving nature with me & the kiddos.  i love his southern drawl when he talks & his big ole bear hugs.  i love him - did i say that alread?.
i guess i'm writing this for my kiddos to learn to respect those they are dating & to not take crap from those they are dating either.. i don't know.  & for me to no longer have nightmares about it. 

so here goes my love life from childhood on:

my first crush was when i was really young.  kurt. he was 4 years older, my cousins' best friend.  everytime i'd see him at their house next door, i'd put on my cool outfit (so i thought) of my gas station shirt with spuds mackezie riding a surfboard, spuds-mackenzie-party-animal-1987-t-shirt-bud
my long grafetti shorts & my chucks (i had no fashion sense even way back then). oh if i could find that picture of me with the boys, it's priceless!  they'd let me tag along & play as one of the guys with them.  i'd go to their little league games & secretly cheer for his team instead of my cousins' everytime.  that was kurt.

then, in grade school came dustin.  we exchanged id bracelets, did the twist contest together during 50's week (& won) & sat by each other on occasion.  i don't know if we ever spoke.  his name got transformed from dustin to dusty to dirty by my cousin that oh so loves to tease me.  we ended our "relationship" in the 5th grade, because bigger & better things were sure to come in middle school.  however, he remained a close friend all through school years & college & probably would still be a great friend had it not be for a pyscho to come.

middle school, didn't really have many boyfriends.  my heart was set on kurt.  alas, my freshman year he noticed me as more than just josh & aron's little annoying cousin & we dated.  looking back at my high school years, i would switch between him & another great guy named jason depending on the season (kurt played ball & jason was in band with me).  they were both wonderful guys that knew proper respect for girls & i am thankful for that.

then, along came college.  oh how things change then.   i didn't know anyone at school, was in a mainly main dominated major, lonely & he had befriended me.  dave was a good guy.  & so was his family.  they loved me like one of there own in a very short period of time.  but it was soon obvious that we weren't meant to be more than friends & that's how we stayed (until he got married right after he graduated).

during college, i waited tables at the olive garden. that was a great job.  i was one of the younger ones (everyone had to deliver my alcohol for me), but made great tips.  one summer came along mr. charmer matt - later to be renamed pyscho. 

he was on summer break getting ready to attend law school & did everything he could to woo me over & it worked.  things were good at first, but i could tell there was a temper in there.  how bad i didn't realize.  when he'd come with me to church, all the church ladies fell in love with his charm & so did most of my family  - except for my mom (man, did she have him pegged).  dating him, i felt "cool" getting to hang with a crowd i would never on my own.  some of the well to do young law students of wash u that had been places & done things i only dreamed of & they let me be a part of it.  but, the relationship was abusive as i'll get out.  started out just verbal & then got a bit physical.  i was kicked out of a very cheap & shady apartment i lived in during school due to his yelling.  one night, at my place when my girlfriends from high school were over there was an obvious prank call.  psycho always insisted on answering my phone when he was there, which i succumbed to.  the guy said "your wife is good in bed."  pyscho went pyscho. if he would have looked at it logically - we weren't married, the guy didn't know my name.  well, pyscho told the guy to meet him at a gas station by my college to beat the crap out of him.  the guy didn't show up of course, but pyscho was sure there was another man. my friends were very weired out, obviously.  then along comes a story i hear about from back home of me & my grade school boyfriend getting together at a party (which didn't happen -i wasn't even there).  i thought it was so ridulous, i shared it with pyscho.  oh no - he knew it must be true.  so, he went to my friend's apartment (that he lived in with his fiancee in the same complex as me) & accused him of this, wanting to fight.  there was the end of a great friendship i had since childhood.  so sorry, dustin. 

when you are in a relationship like this, it's hard to get out of.  like i said, my family only saw the charmer side.  new years eve 99 was the end all of it all.  we went up to chicago to celebrate with some of his friends at a fancy schmancy hotel.  on the dance floor, he even asked me to marry him.  i pretended i couldn't hear him, as i was planning to end that mess of a relationship.  well, then one of the band members was doing his job, performing for the crowd & flirting a bit with me as i love to dance like an idiot.  pyscho didn't like it - threatened the performer & me ranting & raving & got kicked out off the hotel.  i told him it was over 4 sure. the ride back to our friends' was i'm a sight to see.  i called my cousin that was about an hour or 2 away to come & get me, but she had no clue how bad it was.  so, i rode home with him the next day in silence, praying for home.  when we got back to evansville, i even remember the stoplight he told me at -41 & lynch - he said he knew what he was going to do.  he was going to his parents' that night, getting a gun, shooting me & then himself.  so, scared, i told him we'd work it out & took him back. once he headed back to st. louis & i was co-oping & had my friends support around me i took the chicken way out & broke up with him over the phone.  never give a boyfriend or girlfriend a key to your place!! i didn't stay at my place, scared at what he might do.  when i did go with backup, there would be letters left,  cd playing with certain songs & other crazy things.  all this time he was also trying to tell my family how i was messed up & i needed help.  um, helloo- my messed up was due to you!  & his mom & sister called way too many times over how he changed & such that i never returned (one was over the death of one of their family friends & would i please just go to the funeral out of respect - i  couldn't).  i got the locks changed & prayed to never see him again.  just last year, i saw his aunt that still remembered me at my cvs.  she filled me in on all his life which i'm glad to hear sounds normal & far enough away.  he married a girl from japan that works at his law firm & takes his family on nice vacations every year. 
all of that bad stuff was my dream last night.   

that was it for relationships for me for a loong time.  some of the guys i hung out with really thought i was gay.  no... just leary of men. 

after college, i invited friends from the co-op days to a halloween party with my roomies & friends.  & as they say, we are happily ever after.  justin was it.  he stands up for what is right.  he is a man of integrity that i am so lucky to be with.  when we were dating, one night at a concert in cincinatti, he told a stranger to leave a girl alone that the guy was being very mean to.  i thought, wow, what a man i got!  we didn't fight for over a year, until my green eyed jealous monster reared it's head.  some of his old girl friends from college were at the bar we were at with friends & had not so nice comments to me (um, ugly, yuck, etc) that he didn't hear.  at the end of the night, he invited them back to his house.  i was livid, livid, livid!   thank goodness they didn't come.  we talked it all out & it was ok.  he explained it was for them to hang out with his guy friends in town.  that was our first & one of the few fights we had dating.  justin loves me & i love him for better or worse.  he helps to try & make me a better person without belittling.  he's what a true man should be.  thank you god for placing him in my life & thank you justin for loving me for me. 

now, hopefully after getting this all off my chest no more bad dreams.  & for my kiddos - show respect to others & DO NOT put up with any abuse.  we are here for you & will always believe you.  here's to peace, love & happiness!

luv all inside me

miss gracie was asking me the other night where god is & why she can't see him.  i asked her if she loved him & she said yes, i wuv him.   i had told her he is in her heart & everywhere.  she informed me he & others she loves are not just in her heart, but fingers, arms, toes, & every body part she knows.  she is right.  god's love is shown in most of what she does.  she's my sweetie so full of love. & quite a bit sass too.

the perfect fit & the perfect shoe

about 6 years ago & a couple of days, daddio & i became husband & wife.  it was a beautiful day full of wonderful memories i hope to never forget.

looking back, i was quite a bridezilla.  every detail had to be perfect, from the napkins, the cake, the shoes, my songlist - you get the idea.  i am a bit embarrassed looking back now at myself.   there was a moment where i was whining about something (i'm sure unimportant), saying "this is my day!" & justin was quick to remind me it wasn't my day, it was our day to share with loved ones.  oh, he's a wise one. 

i found my perfect shoes for the wedding, felt just like cinderella.  but oh did they hurt my feet!

for the honeymoon, i had to have "just married" flip flops to wear on the beach.  the shoes weren't making it in time for our honeymoon.  so, the morning of the wedding, daddio & his groomsmen hand carved some shoes.  i can only imagine what those guys were thinking about me at that time...but, being justin's buddies, they went with him to dollar general, got some flip flops & helped him make the perfect shoes.

thanks hun, for putting up with my silly wants over the years & giving me a reality check here & there.  i love you so.  thank you for being such an awesome daddio to our precious kiddos.  we love you.

happy daddio's day!

happy father's, poppy's, papaw's day to all the wonderful men in our lives.  we love you all!!  daddio, you are the best father our children could ever ask for.  thank you for taking such good care of us all & loving us.  we love you.

gracie getting daddio.

best buds just a swinging after catching some lightning bugs.

the kiddos loving their hugs from poppy.

boys night out.

setting up the racetrack with grandpa phil.

papaw kern in the hospital.

for daddio, we washed his truck for father's day.   someone accidentally added a scratch to the truck, but i'm sure it was full of love.  we were all soaked by the end of the truck wash.  i was sneak attacking them all, but then they got me back.  daddio held onto me & ben just sprayed.   man, was that some cold water!!

 check out that shiny truck & ben's new do! (that's about the only spot on the truck that didn't have dirt showing after we were done.) 

today

we had a fun day playing at the park while pap did rehab today.  wore us out!!  & then when we get home, mr. brown (ups man) came with big coolers filled with frozen meals.  thank you so jen!  we love you.  i cannot believe the kindness i have seen the past few months & unfortunately the ugliness too.  so much is on my mind that i want to write down when there is time.  what a crazy couple of months: papaw's health, a friendship ended via an email message (but my sweet gracie consoled me that night & told me she'd always be my friend, bless her heart), preschool over, summertime fun begining, moving in with papaw & helping him learn to live again.   kiddos, i am very proud of you helping to care for your great grandpa.  ben, letting him tie you at the bug bucket race was awesome.  gracie, you help take good care of his owies.  kiddos, he loves your goodnight hugs every night. 

tonight, i am headed out for a sweet little 21 year old's birthday, i hope you feel ok in the morning smash! love you

we're making it

what a crazy april and may  it was!  but, we made it & are now into june.  so much has happened in such a little time.
 i can't wait to post pictures & share stories about ben's preschool closing program (awesome buddy!), zoo trips with friends, more t-ball, the "simple life" out at papaw's (ha ha ha - i have never worked so hard in my stinking life), fishing at namaw & poppy's, the party at donna & tom's, my unending appreication for my great aunt dee who has provided us with awesome meals more times than i can count (& it's one the days that i am ready to pull out all my hair), & the progress papaw has made.

papaw is getting there, he says we will be gone & he on his own by july 1st... we'll see.  i hate to watch him struggle to do such simple things.  & sometimes when i'm tired & gracie's throwing a fit,  i hate to have to do it.  but we are making it through it all as a family.  & i am thankful for that.  seriously, i have the best husband in the world.  he has never even said a negative thing about this situation (unlike selfish me) & comes home smiling, ready to play with the kiddos, kiss me & work with papaw.

last night, gracie went to sleep early, as did pap.  justin & ben went for a drive.  i was just laying there, head racing wondering what i got my family into.  feeling guilt over the less one on one time i was having with my kids, guilt over frustrations toward my extended family, guilt over my shortness with my dear husband & poor papaw.  i was feeling honestly pretty crappy.  when ben & justin got home, ben wanted to read from the book "more little visits with god."  these are little devotionals to read with kiddos about god & his love & how it pertains to life but was written like way back in the 60's or something.  well, we chose 3 stories last night & they oh so spoke to me.  one was about love.  it gave an example of 3 kids & their love for their mom.  the first 2 told their mom they loved them, but the third told her mom that & did things that showed love.  it talked about how much god loves us & loves for us to show love for others.  it helped me to realize how we are showing pap love by doing this for him.  & made me appreciate even more all those that love us.  people watching my kiddos so i can take care of papaw, bringing food, taking him for a drive, just making a phone call.  it matters.   the other 2 hit the spot, but my mind is tired & i need to go back home (i snuck over to aunt dee & uncle paul's to use their internet while my household is asleep). 

much love to all my friends & family out there.  thank you for your prayers.  angie in germany, i hope all is well with your baby girl!!

mother's day at papaw's

papaw got to come home for a bit on sunday.  we all had some lunch that damaw made & enjoyed the sunshine day outside. 

the day was full of emotions for all of us.  pap got teared up during the prayer at lunch, broke my heart.  i hate seeing him this way. 

justin, the best grandson in law, got on the tractor & bush-hogged the fields.  i could see pap's blood pressure rising as he watched.  he was very worried justin would get hurt, even though he's a big boy.  i guess the tractor has a few little quirks to it & it's hard to watch someone else do a job you've been doing your way for 50+ years.

the kiddos had fun playing chase outside.  i just love this picture of grace & daddio.

next week, papaw gets to come home & i am scared.  i am scared my kiddos will not like staying there.  i am scared that i can't handle the care for pap (even though he requires very minimal care right now - the therapists said their goal is to have him walking all by himself with no assistance by tuesday!) & still provide the care my kiddos need.  thank god for my justin & kids.  he assures me everything will be ok every day & we will be able to help pap get back on his own & to look at all the positives this will bring (some country living, lots of play outside, taking care of a big garden, showing the kids how important it is to care for loved ones).  i've been trying to hide my fears & tears from my kids, but sometimes they just come out.  ben & grace will stop whatever they are doing & run to hug me & tell me "i wuv you, don't cry" & "it's ok momma."  my family is the best.   with our family, friends & god i do know we will all make it through this.

dear namaw & poppy,

this was going to be a sweet song from gracie,  but big brother had to add his super silly 2 cents in.  she's been singing a version of this for a few days now. 

we love you!

back home again

i had my first weekend away from my family. oh, how i missed them all so.

but it was an awesome experience for me & i am so thankful that i was able to go. the past weekend opened my heart to God & his love and forgiveness. this was what i was really needing at a low point in my life. what a blessing.

i'm back & ready to go tackle life with my loving family & God by our side.

dear momma

this week has been a bit stressful around here. good stress (we closed on our land yea!) & some bad. yesterday, i was starting to lose my patience with the kiddos for no good reason. after folding the mountain of laundry on our bed last night, i was done & laid in bed.
ben came in with a letter he dictated to daddio for me (i know it looks like ben wrote it, but this is justin's penmanship).




i love my family.

his first crush(es)

my little boy is growing up.

he now has not 1, but 2 crushes on gals in his preschool class.
brenna (whom he calls brenda) & alaina. alaina has been his buddy for some time now & brenna he started liking after sitting with her on the bus.

he talks about these little ladies all the time. when brenna got scared at the fire station field trip, he said he tried to make her feel better by telling her it was ok & not to be scared.

after prayers tonight, we had a conversation about the girls.
ben: i'm gonna build them a rocket ship, a robot & a heart because they'd like those things.
me: you must really like them.
ben: yeah, i love them because they are so sweet. goodnight momma, i'll love you forever too.

he makes my heart happy.

happy birthday daddio!

you are the best father to our kiddos, they love you so much. i love that you can be such a kid with them.



you are the man of my dreams. you are the best husband & friend i could ever ask for. i hope you get to feeling better so we can celebrate!


i love you always & forever sugar bear!

love is patient

we haven't been to church in a while. we have a new pastor we haven't even heard preach. while our church was without a pastor, there was a lady that would preach who was so inspiring to me (she was also my cousins' kindergarten teacher). during sermons, i am normally trying to keep my children quiet & don't pay attention like i should. but one sunday her sermon stuck with me & i often find myself thinking about it. her sermon was on corinthians 13:4. love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride; nor conceited. she said at the end of the day replace the word love with your own name & ask yourself were you? me, not so much. this is something i am working on....