love you always, deedee

november 4, 2012 is a day frozen in my mind.  i still wake up, wishing  it was just a bad, bad dream.  i lost my hero, my rock on earth, the one person that had always been there and could always make everything better. time has yet to heal the heartache i feel everyday. not a day goes by that i don't miss deedee.  
for us, it started out like a normal sunday..daddio had to work, we went to church & then to a ms walk.  i forgot my cell phone and when we got home, our answering machine was full.  daddio got home a few minutes after the kiddos & i and said "dee is gone."  dee who?  not our deedee - no way!  i could not believe it or accept it.  she passed away, selflessly serving others, as she was always doing.  
though i pray a lot every day, i still do not have comfort or peace of her passing.  i know i was so blessed to have the relationship with her that i had and those memories of comfort with her can never be taken away but my heart hurts.  my heart hurts for my kiddos, who also miss her (little g carries a picture with her of deedee everyday).  she had so much more to teach us - i never learned the right way to make those sweet rolls & so much other lessons in life we had to learn from her.
i am so thankful for all the time & love she did give to us & everyone.  she was the best.  (i don't want this to sound ungrateful for my wonderful mom i have or husband or kiddos or other family...we all felt this way about dee).  
after her death, i tried to fill the void by working at preschool & trying to do as she did...but i sure couldn't keep it up.  she spent her life devoted to her lord and savior, doing for others, loving all in her family & doing it all with great joy.  
the kiddos and i made a sign in our home & this perfectly describes dee:

every day, i try.  i do. i really do.  but i fail.  dee will always be my role model & i will keep trying.  & hopefully, someday, i won't have to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my sweet kiddos.  i love you & miss you, deedee.