nightmares of boyfriends past & my gentle giant

i woke up this morning, sweating from terrible dreams of a past boyfriend but they were replaced with my dear hubby. i of course, couldn't go back to sleep & it made me think of all the relationships that have gotten me to this point of being with my sugar bear.  now, our marriage isn't perfect, but it's close enough for me.    i thank god for him & his gentle, loving nature with me & the kiddos.  i love his southern drawl when he talks & his big ole bear hugs.  i love him - did i say that alread?.
i guess i'm writing this for my kiddos to learn to respect those they are dating & to not take crap from those they are dating either.. i don't know.  & for me to no longer have nightmares about it. 

so here goes my love life from childhood on:

my first crush was when i was really young.  kurt. he was 4 years older, my cousins' best friend.  everytime i'd see him at their house next door, i'd put on my cool outfit (so i thought) of my gas station shirt with spuds mackezie riding a surfboard, spuds-mackenzie-party-animal-1987-t-shirt-bud
my long grafetti shorts & my chucks (i had no fashion sense even way back then). oh if i could find that picture of me with the boys, it's priceless!  they'd let me tag along & play as one of the guys with them.  i'd go to their little league games & secretly cheer for his team instead of my cousins' everytime.  that was kurt.

then, in grade school came dustin.  we exchanged id bracelets, did the twist contest together during 50's week (& won) & sat by each other on occasion.  i don't know if we ever spoke.  his name got transformed from dustin to dusty to dirty by my cousin that oh so loves to tease me.  we ended our "relationship" in the 5th grade, because bigger & better things were sure to come in middle school.  however, he remained a close friend all through school years & college & probably would still be a great friend had it not be for a pyscho to come.

middle school, didn't really have many boyfriends.  my heart was set on kurt.  alas, my freshman year he noticed me as more than just josh & aron's little annoying cousin & we dated.  looking back at my high school years, i would switch between him & another great guy named jason depending on the season (kurt played ball & jason was in band with me).  they were both wonderful guys that knew proper respect for girls & i am thankful for that.

then, along came college.  oh how things change then.   i didn't know anyone at school, was in a mainly main dominated major, lonely & he had befriended me.  dave was a good guy.  & so was his family.  they loved me like one of there own in a very short period of time.  but it was soon obvious that we weren't meant to be more than friends & that's how we stayed (until he got married right after he graduated).

during college, i waited tables at the olive garden. that was a great job.  i was one of the younger ones (everyone had to deliver my alcohol for me), but made great tips.  one summer came along mr. charmer matt - later to be renamed pyscho. 

he was on summer break getting ready to attend law school & did everything he could to woo me over & it worked.  things were good at first, but i could tell there was a temper in there.  how bad i didn't realize.  when he'd come with me to church, all the church ladies fell in love with his charm & so did most of my family  - except for my mom (man, did she have him pegged).  dating him, i felt "cool" getting to hang with a crowd i would never on my own.  some of the well to do young law students of wash u that had been places & done things i only dreamed of & they let me be a part of it.  but, the relationship was abusive as i'll get out.  started out just verbal & then got a bit physical.  i was kicked out of a very cheap & shady apartment i lived in during school due to his yelling.  one night, at my place when my girlfriends from high school were over there was an obvious prank call.  psycho always insisted on answering my phone when he was there, which i succumbed to.  the guy said "your wife is good in bed."  pyscho went pyscho. if he would have looked at it logically - we weren't married, the guy didn't know my name.  well, pyscho told the guy to meet him at a gas station by my college to beat the crap out of him.  the guy didn't show up of course, but pyscho was sure there was another man. my friends were very weired out, obviously.  then along comes a story i hear about from back home of me & my grade school boyfriend getting together at a party (which didn't happen -i wasn't even there).  i thought it was so ridulous, i shared it with pyscho.  oh no - he knew it must be true.  so, he went to my friend's apartment (that he lived in with his fiancee in the same complex as me) & accused him of this, wanting to fight.  there was the end of a great friendship i had since childhood.  so sorry, dustin. 

when you are in a relationship like this, it's hard to get out of.  like i said, my family only saw the charmer side.  new years eve 99 was the end all of it all.  we went up to chicago to celebrate with some of his friends at a fancy schmancy hotel.  on the dance floor, he even asked me to marry him.  i pretended i couldn't hear him, as i was planning to end that mess of a relationship.  well, then one of the band members was doing his job, performing for the crowd & flirting a bit with me as i love to dance like an idiot.  pyscho didn't like it - threatened the performer & me ranting & raving & got kicked out off the hotel.  i told him it was over 4 sure. the ride back to our friends' was i'm a sight to see.  i called my cousin that was about an hour or 2 away to come & get me, but she had no clue how bad it was.  so, i rode home with him the next day in silence, praying for home.  when we got back to evansville, i even remember the stoplight he told me at -41 & lynch - he said he knew what he was going to do.  he was going to his parents' that night, getting a gun, shooting me & then himself.  so, scared, i told him we'd work it out & took him back. once he headed back to st. louis & i was co-oping & had my friends support around me i took the chicken way out & broke up with him over the phone.  never give a boyfriend or girlfriend a key to your place!! i didn't stay at my place, scared at what he might do.  when i did go with backup, there would be letters left,  cd playing with certain songs & other crazy things.  all this time he was also trying to tell my family how i was messed up & i needed help.  um, helloo- my messed up was due to you!  & his mom & sister called way too many times over how he changed & such that i never returned (one was over the death of one of their family friends & would i please just go to the funeral out of respect - i  couldn't).  i got the locks changed & prayed to never see him again.  just last year, i saw his aunt that still remembered me at my cvs.  she filled me in on all his life which i'm glad to hear sounds normal & far enough away.  he married a girl from japan that works at his law firm & takes his family on nice vacations every year. 
all of that bad stuff was my dream last night.   

that was it for relationships for me for a loong time.  some of the guys i hung out with really thought i was gay.  no... just leary of men. 

after college, i invited friends from the co-op days to a halloween party with my roomies & friends.  & as they say, we are happily ever after.  justin was it.  he stands up for what is right.  he is a man of integrity that i am so lucky to be with.  when we were dating, one night at a concert in cincinatti, he told a stranger to leave a girl alone that the guy was being very mean to.  i thought, wow, what a man i got!  we didn't fight for over a year, until my green eyed jealous monster reared it's head.  some of his old girl friends from college were at the bar we were at with friends & had not so nice comments to me (um, ugly, yuck, etc) that he didn't hear.  at the end of the night, he invited them back to his house.  i was livid, livid, livid!   thank goodness they didn't come.  we talked it all out & it was ok.  he explained it was for them to hang out with his guy friends in town.  that was our first & one of the few fights we had dating.  justin loves me & i love him for better or worse.  he helps to try & make me a better person without belittling.  he's what a true man should be.  thank you god for placing him in my life & thank you justin for loving me for me. 

now, hopefully after getting this all off my chest no more bad dreams.  & for my kiddos - show respect to others & DO NOT put up with any abuse.  we are here for you & will always believe you.  here's to peace, love & happiness!