my grandma

my grandma was one of my best friends. i would talk to her every day about the goings on in my life (a lot of times sugar coating the details, so she wouldn't worry too much). she gave all she had to her lord, her family, and her friends. she could sing so beautifully. her health was not the best as she got older. she was in pain, but never really complained much. she was always more concerned about the well being of her loved ones over herself. she was the rock of our family.

christmas was always a BIG deal for grandma, the church lady. lots of singing carols, worship & family food and fun. 7 or so years ago, i stayed all night at mom's for christmas eve. in the middle of the night, the dogs started barking waking us both up. we all settled back down & then her cell phone started vibrating. i don't remember who it was, but they were calling, saying that the ambulance took grandma to the er (if the dogs hadn't woken us up, we likely wouldn't of heard her phone vibrating). in shock, we drove to the hospital in what seemed like a blizzard to st. joseph's, inside praying that she would be ok & we would make it in the big snow. when we got there, a bit later the docs decided she needed to go to a better hospital. lifeflight couldn't fly in the weather, so the ambulance had to take her. none of the roads had been cleared off & it was quite a drive down to evansville. she made it to the hospital & on christmas, even though they weren't sure what the outcome would be, she was joking that she got everyone together like she wanted.

what a christmas that was in the intensive care unit waiting room.
justin & i were just dating at the time, but he came to be there with me. that year he got me diamond earrings for christmas & my grandma was asking me why not a ring??
we all hung out in that waiting room together, trying to crack jokes & pretend things were ok.
by new years eve eve, her condition was improving so i went with justin to his family's annual new years eve party. i was worried about her the entire time. but, she was ok that night & day.

back to work we all went (except pap) & i'd go see her when i'd get off work. papaw wasn't & isn't comfortable driving in the "city", so we'd trade off meeting papaw or picking him up. i remember telling justin one night how i was getting tired of driving pap back & forth the hour drive. i was so selfish.

she was seemed to be improving & there was talk about her after care. but, that was not the plan. that day i remember papaw & i going into see her & she seemed fine. the next visitation period a few hours later she told me she couldn't feel her hand. i went & got the nurse who checked her vitals & told us to leave & she'd be back to get us. i could see the panic in her eyes & i freaked out. i didn't even say bye to grandma, just walked quickly out of the room. i wish i would have said something.

someone came & told us we should contact the rest of the family. after that, it was pretty much a blur.

that night she died. justin & i drove home with papaw. he laid on the couch & justin & me were on the floor. i held pap's hand all night long.

after grandma died, i was so mad at god. i kept praying for a sign that she was in heaven to make me feel better. i never saw it & honestly gave up on my faith. i was just going through the motions of going to church every once in a while & such. i have my faith back now & am grateful to god for his grace, love and forgiveness.


instead of my normal talk radio, i started listening to a different station. today, when the kiddos & i were out to get stuff for beano's party i heard a song that just made me cry & cry & cry.

steven curtis chapman's "going home for christmas".

here are the lyrics:
Her house was where the family gathered every Christmas eve;
A feast was set on the table and gifts were placed beneath the tree.
Everything was picture perfect, Grandpa would laugh and say,
That woman spends the whole year getting ready for this day.

One year the leaves began to fall and her health began to fade;
We moved her to a place where they could watch her night and day.
But she kept making plans for Christmas from her little room;
She told everyone, I'll miss you but I'll be leaving soon.

I'm going home for Christmas and I'm going home to stay;
I'm going home for Christmas and nothing's gonna keep me away.
I'll be with the ones I love to celebrate the Savior's birth;
This gift will be worth more to me than anything on earth.
I'm going home, home for Christmas.

All the leaves outside have fallen to be covered by the snow;
The family comes with food and gifts and Grandpa comes alone.
There's a sadness in our silence as the Christmas story's read,
And with tears, Grandpa reminds us of the words that Grandma said.

I'm going home for Christmas and I'm going home to stay;
I'm going home for Christmas and nothing's gonna keep me away.
She'll be face to face with Jesus as we celebrate His birth,
And this gift will be worth more to her than anything on earth,
‘Cause she'll be home.

And as we sing ‘Joy to the World' I can't help thinking
Of the joy that's in her eyes right now.
And though our hearts still ache, we know that as we celebrate,
She's singing with the herald angels and heaven's glowing on her face.

And now she's home for Christmas and now she's home to stay;
She's home for Christmas, and nothin' could've kept her away.
She'll be face to face with Jesus, as we celebrate His birth,
And this gift will be worth more to her than anything on earth.
She's home, she's home for Christmas.
She is home, she's home for Christmas.

i think he wrote that about her.



grandma, i love you & miss you. i think about you all the time & see some of you in miss gracie. papaw does too.